This is more difficult than one would have thought. Obviously I knew making my way through this list would be difficult, but I never realized how draining it would be. Draining in the most beautiful of ways, but draining nonetheless. The kind of draining where you spend a lot of time inspecting the parts of yourself God so desperately wants to change.
I’m friends with this guy named Jason. Jason is the teaching pastor at theHeart, which is the church I go to. Yesterday he did a sermon titled “black canvas” which is this idea he’s been mulling over for months now. He spoke about how we all start with this blank white canvas. That as we go through life, we add a black mark here and a black mark there and before long, we take a step back and realize that the entire canvas is black. (This list makes me take a step back and realize that my canvas has been black for a while now.) But, and I think this was my favorite part, Jason went on to say that a black canvas is just a different kind of blank canvas, that it’s a blank canvas with a history, that it is the kind of blank canvas that utilizes a battered and broken history.
We ALL have a black canvas. Perhaps that’s been the most draining part of this blog– realizing just how many layers of black paint are on my canvas. But also realizing that that’s no longer a good enough excuse to resist being used.